Say It Ain’t So Jones! Say It Ain’t So!
Let me come right out and get this review over with in one sentence, for those of you who have important things to get done…
The new Indiana Jones movies TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY SUCKS!
Yep, I said it.
Don’t waste your money on this tired old gasbag of a movie.
In fact, I won’t waste your time going into the innumerable ways it sucks.
But I will tell you this…
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Oh-Who-Gives-A-Damn-Anyway makes Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom look like an Oscar-worthy MASTERPIECE by comparison.
Which I’m sure will make Kate Capshaw very happy.
Instead of telling you all the ways that the latest Indiana Jones delivers every cliche and hackneyed idea that has been put to film for the last 27 years…
Ever since Raiders of the Lost Ark basically kicked the ass of every action movie that had come before it, not to mention all that have come since…
I will instead share with you all the alternate titles I came up with while waiting for this pig of a movie to end tonight…
Raiders of the Aching Lumbago
Indiana Jones and the Search for the Golden Geritol
Indiana Jones Soils His Depends
Indiana Jones and the Last Sandwich (which he promptly gives to his anorexic girlfriend, Ally McBeal)
Indiana Jones and the Quest for Even More Special Effects
Indiana Jones and the Sequel of Doom
Raiders of the Last Nerve
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Gullible Viewers
Indiana Jones and The Final Sellout
Raiders of the Last Box-Office
Indiana Jones and the Lost Cliches
Raiders of My Last $10
Feel free to post up your own opinion, or alternate title suggestion.
But if you want my advice…
Wait for this piece of felgercarb to hit the video store.
|| posted by chris under clueless, kma, media, nostalgia, opinion, thumbs down || || ||
Hate to break the news but $300 million this weekend disagrees with you.
comment by Susan — May 27, 2008 @ 11:38 pm
Not really. Word-of-mouth on this thing is break-even at best…
http://www.metacritic.com/film/titles/indianajones4
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/indiana_jones_and_the_kingdom_of_the_crystal_skull/reviews_users.php
I find it AMAZING how much higher the average score from “professional” reviewers is. I don’t know what film they saw, but it wasn’t the same one I saw.
Indiana Jones and The Final Cashout’s $300M box office was based on the strength of the character and the 40-something nostalgia factor.
And the first 5 minutes, which was not only the only thing even remotely Indy-like, but also comprised the bulk of the trailer.
And also, I guess, the hopelessly misguided thought that Lucas and Co. might score another grand slam like Last Crusade.
Which didn’t happen. Not at all.
Sheesh…you’d think people would have learned after the crapfest that was Star Wars Ep. 1-3.
I’m most pissed that I haven’t yet seen Iron Man. Which I’d have much rather put money behind.
comment by chris — May 28, 2008 @ 12:02 am